Housemate and I were talking the other day about this thing called compassion. I have noticed within myself that it is very easy to claim to have compassion for people from a distance. As far as the people around me, uh no.
The other day I was approached by someone for a ride to a small get together with a few mutual acquaintances. He said he hadn't seen me in awhile but that he remembered me. He obviously knew me. I swore [and still do] that "I never seen him before in my life." [Face blindness, such a wonderful neurological quirk!]. We went there and hung out.
Unfortunately, it soon became apparent that the man was kicking. To put it bluntly, he excused himself several times so he could puke in the bathroom. "He's kicking," everyone else said, "poor guy." I was just annoyed that I could hear his barfing sounds from behind closed doors. I was apprehensive that he would want me to take him back home early and [for once] I didn't want to leave.
I made this. It's copyleft. Fuck CISPA and all the other weird shit like that. Right-click to save to your computer. No hot-linking plz.
I looked at housemate. "Dude, yeah you are totally Aspergian."
"Huh?"
"Duh. The games. The special study you made of board games ever since you were a child."
"Oh." Then he asked me, "You were diagnosed as autistic when you were younger, right?"
"Autistic or retarded, depending upon whether you believe a loud-mouth cousin of mine or my dad."
We were silent for a few minutes.
At my uncle's wake [her father], cousin introduced me to a bunch of people I didn't know as, "This is my cousin sapphoq. sapphoq was autistic when younger, but that was because of emotional reasons-- that is, the divorce of sapphoq's parents."
My dad's version of events ran like this, "We took you for testing. The examiner told us to put you in an institution and forget about you. You were retarded, she said. I started yelling at her, 'My daughter is NOT retarded. My daughter is bright. I can see it in her eyes.' And we left."
Having never seen the test results myself, I really can't say what was thought or why. Do I have Aspergers or Broad Spectrum Autism? I don't know. I was a socially awkward child for sure. The traits that can be construed by the layperson as being on the spectrum [I can't help it. When I type the word "spectrum" I think of happy colorful rainbows] can be explained by various other ways of beings. I perceive no personal benefit in consulting with an expert about this now. I just don't care.
"My dad did a lot of work with me when I was younger," I explained. "So I learned some stuff about how to act around others. Social situations were never easy for me as a child. Even now, much of what I do-- when I can be bothered to do it-- is scripted."
A bit more silence.
"I don't understand my co-workers," housemate admitted. "They feel sorry for so-and-so. I don't. He acts so helpless I want to scream." I knew who he was talking about. Had known him for several years in fact before housemate did. "Standard Operating Procedure for that one," I shrugged.
I started complaining. "This whole compassion thing-- I'm tired of people expecting me to do their work for them is all. I'm not a taxi cab. This piece of shit masquerading as a car isn't painted yellow."
"I remember you going through this before several times."
"And several times before we met. It's an old lesson that I just keep learning in deeper ways."
I'm not being paid to be anyone's social worker. I'm sorry that bad shit happens to people. It's easier for me to say that I have deep feelings for the suffering of others at a distance than when confronted with it on my turf.
"That guy was kicking from heroin. [Folks don't die from opiate withdrawals. The local hospital won't take opiate addicts as a matter of policy.] If he needed medical support, I would have called him an ambulance. But don't frigging come into my space and expect sympathy when you should have just stayed home or something. Sorry. That's how I feel. I hate people trying to leech onto me. If allowing people to suck me dry and making sympathetic noises is compassion, then I'm better off without it."
We relate to the pain and suffering of other people from that place within ourselves that has also experienced pain and suffering. I know that much. Aspies and Auties have been accused of lacking a "Theory of Mind" by the professionals. From what I gather as a plain ordinary person, TOM is the magical [fake?] ability to put oneself in the shoes of others and automatically know what they must be feeling. I figure that this whole TOM is just another cover for maxed out co-dependency. After awhile, "he's kicking, poor guy" gets old.
Again: We relate to the pain and suffering of other people from that place within ourselves that has also experienced pain and suffering. Maybe I'm just more willing than the average Joe to admit that sometimes all this forced expression for concern can run out the door screaming "Enough already." Or maybe it's the practical nature inside of me that dictates a refusal to wallow in my own suffering/misery/heartbreak/self-pity or in that of others.
I know what pain and suffering is. I just don't have the energy or desire to gush about it.
"Thanks for listening. I'll find you that on-line informal test on the net if you want."
Go here for an informal checklist of possible aspie-ness:
http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
Your Aspie score: 146 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie.
N.B.: Checklist is not validated. It points to possibilities only. If for some reason you desire an official diagnosis, then go to a professional who is familiar with what this stuff looks like in an adult. Some folks like me are indifferent. Some don't want to know for sure. Some do. If you are an adult, you get to examine the pros and cons of seeking a professional diagnosis. And then you get to make your own decision about what to do.
There is a Google group that a buddy from Twitter has mentioned. It is here at: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/aspietribe .
Here is also an Aspergers' group on Live Journal: http://asperger.livejournal.com/
A really really cool film project here: http://autisticfilmproject.wix.com/website
And here is a caution: http://nymag.com/news/features/autism-spectrum-2012-11/ Some folks in the comment section have problems with the information in and/or the style of the article itself. The basic premise i.m.o. is sound: bunches of folks who self-diagnose as Aspie and some folks who are professionally diagnosed as Aspie aren't.
Expecting a fancy conclusion or something?
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