Another Solstice has gone by. Another Christmas is finished. The older I get, the faster time speeds along. Such is the nature of things. I can remember when an hour was huge and a whole day was enormous. The last two days have really emphasized to me the changes in my dad in his continuing deterioration from dementias.
Christmas Eve, I took him to Mass. He is still able to walk a bit but I don't trust him on snow. Since there was a bit of it, I dropped him off as close to the front door as possible and then went and found a parking spot. He had managed to go inside. So that part was good.
The part that wasn't so good was that the church was already filled up a half-hour before the Mass was supposed to start. We are talking about a very small Roman Catholic Church in a very small dieing little town. Some really little kids-- maybe kindergardeners and first graders-- were up front butcheri, I mean, singing songs when we got there. We wandered up one aisle. Dad in his abrupt demented manner went to sit where he found some empties. The woman there hurried to tell him that she was saving the seats for five people. [She was]. I gently and firmly led him away. On our way back down the aisle, a couple had pity on Dad and slid over for us.
During the Mass [I keep wanting to type "service"], Dad was able to chant some of the prayers along with everyone else. Hymnals were of no use this time around. Last year he was able to follow one. This year, although he can still read after a fashion, he can't. The stand up /sit down/ stand up routine was more difficult for him this year than last Christmas and even than last Easter. He did manage though.
Dad told me that the priest is the same one that comes to the house; that he teases the priest for talking too much. And it was true. The priest certainly did talk too much. I couldn't follow the homily. Something about David retrieving an ark of the Covenant in the desert and the Virgin Mary being the ark for Jesus and he tried to squeeze in a movie-- the Raiders of the Lost Ark-- but by that time, he had lost me. The lady behind us loudly whispered to her companion, "Follow the commandments. Don't stray off the beaten path. Listen to the Bible and to the Mother Church. The end." That seemed to be the gist of his message. Lady behind us may have been thinking about some baking in her oven. She kept double-time on the chanted prayers and was finished long before anyone else. Even so, the whole thing lasted about an hour and a half.
There was some respite in the form of a baby running away from her mother every four minutes or so and up the middle of the church toward the altar. My money was on that kid but she never did reach the priest. Her horrified mother kept dashing after her. She scooped up the baby who would then break out into peels of laughter. This amused Dad. And it amused me too. Dad pointed out a beautiful little girl sitting with her father with long straight hair and a homemade quite pretty knitted dress.
After we did the sign of peace thing that modern Roman Catholics do these days-- vigorous handshaking all around-- Dad stood up and started out of the pew onto the aisle. I managed to stop him. I was able to ascertain that he thought that the Mass was over. He had forgotten whether or not Communion had happened. [It hadn't. His short-term memory is shot from the two dementias that he now has].
Communion happened. He asked to follow me up. On Easter and Christmas last he was able to follow the line of folks himself without me being ahead of him. So he followed me. I watched him greet the priest as he was given the wafer. Then I watched him take a determined hold of the gold chalice and get a healthy swig of wine down before he would let go of it. We got back to the seats alright.
Soon after it was over. I was amused to see an altar girl in the procession along with the two altar boys. All three kids appeared to be related and judging by height, she was the middle child. As they walked past, I heard her say a very healthy "shut-up!" to her younger brother. The noise in the church was such that I couldn't hear what he had said to her to garner that reaction as they were too far away. I smiled at her saying "shut-up!" to her pesky younger brother. I know it was Christmas Eve and all, but it was pretty cool. I couldn't help but wonder if she too will determine that she does not wish to be Catholic anymore during her own adolescence.
After church, one of the pastoral laity assistants who was not a priest recognized my Dad and greeted him. The fellow was quite personable and glad to see Dad in church. Apparently, someone in the church will give Dad a ride on Sundays if he ever wants to go. I told Dad later on that would be alright by me. Now that I know that he wants to go, in his words, "once in awhile" I can make that happen for him either through me taking him or someone from the church coming to get him. I suspect that ultimately as in after the first or second time he is gotten, they will ask not to. But that is alright. Dad has had some success even in this stage of his failing brain with making his own connections. I am willing for him to get a ride to church from someone other than me a few times. That the assistant and the priest have both been to Dad's supervised living adult home means that the offer wasn't made totally blind.
Dad was quite stiff and tired once I got him back to the house. He did allow me this time to go up the stairs before him but stopped me at the door and said goodnight.
This morning, partner and I got to the house at eleven a.m. just when we said we would. Dad looked like hell, still tired from yesterday and also complaining about a headache along the top right side of his head. "As if someone is pulling out my hair," he said. I pointed out that he could ask a staffer for two headache pill. He nodded but kept forgetting to do so. Finally, I went and found the staffer and said he would be asking. She came to him with the medication before he was able to get himself up to do so. Twenty minutes later, he had forgotten that he just had the two headache pills. I reminded him of that. It took him a few minutes to decide to believe me.
Dinner-- they have breakfast, dinner, and supper there-- was held in the usual way with four separate tables rather than one long time like was done on Thanksgiving and Christmas last. There weren't any Christmas songs playing. That might have been just as well. Dad had noticed before dinner that my partner "does not hear well." He was quite right about that. But partner refuses to go for a hearing test because partner does not wish to be fitted with hearing aids. Actually, quite a few of the old folks that Dad lives with seem to hear better than my partner does. At any rate, Dad's eating rate has slowed down noticeably since even Thanksgiving. I think probably that even though it is a sign that his Lewey Body Dementia is winning the fight over Dad's physical abilities, his slow rate may very well offer some protection against the choking that often happens with older folks. Dad did enjoy the meal though. I did also actually. Quite yummy.
After, we went upstairs to Dad's room. I had to point out to Dad that the two bags were for relatives who will be dropping in soon to see him and not for us. We exchanged presents. Partner's selection pleased Dad very much and he was able to talk about it. But he was a bit confused as to whether we were leaving it for him or he was giving it to us. Partner went to the bathroom. At which time, Dad told me he would hold on to the colored socks that another resident's family member had gotten him.
These colored socks are crucial to Dad's plan. Dad still has a plan of going back to work. This time though, going back to work will happen "in the spring." There is now zero recogntion that he is unable to work. Sometimes he will admit to his brain "failing" or even to dementia; other times he insists that his forgetfulness is normal aging. Today he admitted to neither. And once again I was confronted with his deepest wish to have things return to at least partial normalcy. And no, he does not wish to do volunteer work. He wants a job in the field that he had his career in and he wants to be paid. He did not go into what usually follows his idea that he wants to work again. What usually follows is enough money for his own apartment, a car, and maybe even a small business loan to start-up a business back in Jersey. I can't give him any of those things. I can't safely make any of that happen. Not even an apartment because he does not have the funds to pay for twenty-four hour supervision. And he historically used to throw out any helpers that were obtained for him.
We left with plans for me to take Dad to the [family] doctor on Thursday. Dad has never liked doctors. For someone who hates doctors, he certainly has demanded to visit them of late. Taking Dad to the family doc has value though. Doc is able to convince Dad for a short time that Dad's um, "floating", bumps on his head are not brain cancer. Maybe after the doctor visit, we can go to the nearby shoe store. The owner of the shoe store is very good with older folks. Dad needs sturdy shoes that fit. His shoes are in various stages of disrepair. With his weight loss, his shoes are now too loose, making them potentially dangerous.
Dad has the characteristic "long lean look" of someone with Lewey Body Dementia. Partner was able to readily identify that Dad has declined very much since visiting him last month. I spent some time with my sadness over Dad's condition. I know that death happens to all of us. But some of us are dieing faster than the rest of us. I keep hoping that Dad will die in his sleep before the real horrors set in.
sapphoq on life
My mother married her drinking partner second time around. She was very much a functional-- but angry-- alcoholic. Step-dad was also a functional alcoholic. My mother dominated him though. She told him what to do and he did it. I went to live with my dad in my late teens because of physical abuse.
I was raised Roman Catholic but in my early teens I got curious about the other churches in the neighborhood. On Sundays, I started secretly [I didn't tell my mother] attending their services. On any given Sunday, it was anyone's bet whether I would show up where I was supposed to be or somewheres else. Sometimes I skipped church altogether, stopping at an Italian bakery and then just walking clear into the next town. Other times, I would go to the plain little Episcopalian church or to the Spanish Pentecostal one that shared space with the Presbyterians. Eventually, I got converted and found Jesus in a very fundamentalist way.
All of this searching started in high school. On the last day of our ninth grade religion class, we were asked what we had learned. I said, "I learned that I didn't want to be Catholic anymore." I had been exposed to the craziest of arguments against abortion, feminism, and why women shouldn't be priests. So I knew what I didn't want. I even knew a little bit of what I wanted. I wanted a church that made sense and wasn't boring. I also wanted one that didn't consider the life of a woman to be secondary to the life of a fetus. Thus started the trek in and out of various churches I had mentioned earlier interspersed with periods of avid pot smoking and drinking.
There was a few kids in our high school that were Children of God, a.k.a. the Family nowadays. I went to the commune in New York City with them at least once. There was a gym teacher who was Christian Missionary Alliance only she spoke in tongues at the Charismatic Catholic prayer meetings on Wednesday nights down the block. She was at odds with the Children of God kids. The administration of the Catholic High School was at odds with her.I had another friend who was Pentecostal with a Jewish twist. We shared an illegal bottle of Moyen David in a local park on several Saturday afternoons. She was a lot of fun. We poured through a Jewish catalog for young people and freely co-opted whatever we wanted to out of that. I wound up in an Assemblies of God church and there I stayed on and off for a few years. For several years, including after my exit from my mother's house, it was either Jesus or drugs. I could not conceive of a life without either one.
My mother, being herself an addict of the alcoholic variety, got along with me fairly well when I was [unbeknownst to her, or at least unacknowledged by her] getting high and drunk. She was enraged whenever I was into one of my Jesus freak [that is what it was called in those days-- we were young and turned on and joyfully proclaiming the Word of the Lord to anyone who was around, whether they wanted to listen or not-- not as a slur, but just what we young people were known as] periods.
The second to last straw was a boyfriend who was also an Aggie [Assemblies of God member]. He was twenty eight years old. But he was very respectful of me and my age and did not so much as French kiss me. There was no pressure to have sex. He didn't want that. We held hands and dated in a group. That is to say, we attended church functions together with a group of other young Jesus Freaks who were also Pentecostal. Sometimes after a service, a group of us went out for pizza. There were no clandestine visits to his bedroom [he lived with his mother], no motel rooms, no getting naked in the woods, no discussions about birth control. There was none of that. I was probably safer with him than I would have been with boys of my own age. My mother found out that he was twenty eight and she beat me.
Several months later, she showed up with my step-father at the Aggie church. They were both drunk. She dragged me out of the pew on my knees. I had rug burns on them for several years after. She then threw me down the church stairs. There was no choice. I left with them. I was afraid that I was going to be shot. There was a gun in the linen closet. She was that drunk. The church people prayed as I was being physically mauled and hauled out of there.
Once home, a long period of beating me with an umbrella started. My mother would take her turns at it, yelling her head off while doing it. Then she would sigh as if she was tired and instructed my step-father to take over. "Hit her, ______", she would say wearily. "Hit her." Thus he earned a nickname from me for the next several years. Jellyfish is what I called him privately. He was spineless. After several hours, I was allowed to retreat to my bedroom. I was sore, beat up, and the tears were flowing.
The next morning, my dad called. He called immediately after my mother had left for work. [My step-father left earlier]. "Are you okay?" he said. "I don't know." He insisted that I come live with him. One of the church elders had called my dad after I was yanked out of the church the night before. No one else in that church did anything meaningful to protect me. The pastor got his friend the police chief to type up a letter banning my mother and step-father from the town that the church was in. But that was after I had moved and was safe at my dad's. I'm pretty sure now that the letter with its threat of arrest was legally uninforceable.
So I went to live with my dad. I wasn't ready to contact my mother by that Christmas, being only three months later. But Dad insisted that I buy my mother a present. I left the presents on the radiator in the hallway when I was sure she wasn't home.
My mother had always been funny around Christmas. I would see my dad on Christmas day. He would give me some really nice presents. I would take them "home" [to my mother's house]. She would throw them out. After a few years, my dad caught on that she was doing this. He began asking me to leave the presents with him. But I couldn't do that. If I didn't bring the presents home for her to throw out, there would be hell to pay. Christmas became a mixed holiday experience for me. I loved my dad fiercely. But anything that my dad did for me, my mother trampled on. The gifts at Christmas were just one glaring example. I learned much later that my mother's actions were indicative of a classic double blind. Dammed if you do it, dammed if you don't.
My mother had a fake green tree with fake snow on it. We would decorate it and she would make cookies. In my teens, I was allowed to have her version of a Brandy Alexander-- brandy and chocolate ice cream mixed in a very large round goblet. My dad had an aluminum tree. He loved Christmas and he would sing all of the Christmas carols and traditional songs. Once I was living with him full-time, Christmas became a thing of joy. I continued my mixture of Jesus or drugs cycles. I did go to midnight Mass with Dad at the Roman Catholic church up the street from him. He allowed me to do as I wish regarding what church I attended or didn't attend. He expressed his opinion but allowed me the dignity as a late teen to make up my own mind.
People get older and the years passed. I tried on several more religions, got clean, discarded all religions once I found that I could stay clean without a Jesus, got honest with myself about what I didn't believe in. I came out as bisexual. Had lovers. Had break ups. Fell in love. Got married to someone who is also clean and a non-theist. Dad got married two more times. He came down with what we now know is Lewey Body Dementia. His third marriage failed. It was my turn to give him a safe place to live.
Dad is now showing signs of Alzheimers' as well as the Lewey Body Dementia which two neurodocs independently diagnosed him with. He is in group living in a supervised adult residence. [Not a nursing home]. Dad continues with his determination to do as much as he can for as long as he can. His brain scan shows literal holes. The neurodocs don't know how it is that he can still dress and shower and eat on his own. I do know why. It's sheer will. Although he does not always know that his brain is failing, he continues to grapple with some really tough stuff.
The last couple of years, I took Dad to Mass at a church near his home for Christmas twice and for Easter once. He has a harder time in crowds now but he does want to go to church for Christmas. This year, we are going to a late afternoon Christmas Eve Mass. The Catholic church I found for him in his community is small and intimate and friendly. They have a choir. [Dad and I both love music]. Tomorrow, my partner and I plan to eat Christmas dinner at Dad's house. We've done this for several holidays now. The tables are pushed together family-style. The other old folks and Dad and a few other family members all sit together. Staff take pictures and keep the food and good times flowing. I am grateful that Dad lives in such a homey place. It is clean and comfortable and safe and he is thriving there.
Being atheist, I celebrate whatever I want to. Yes, we do celebrate Christmas. I am lousy at picking out presents for people. And horrible at wrapping them. As we do every year, I take my partner to the mall. Partner picks out what partner wishes for gifts. I buy them and have them wrapped or buy prewrapped boxes. So while there aren't any surprizes for partner, at least partner is assured of getting stuff that partner wants. We've tried several other ways through the years and they just didn't work. We also buy presents for our extended families. We don't have much money and we are very careful not to overspend. We don't do much of the charge now, pay later stuff either. Cash is king. We have been blessed with some little grand-nieces and grand-nephews. I really enjoy seeing them. Partner is in charge of their presents, because I am so abysmal at these sorts of things. As for me, I am now equipped with an e-reader. The e-reader enables me to read for a long period of time. Before the e-reader, because of the traumatic brain injury eye problems and perception problems, I could not read for more than a half-hour at a time, and frequently for a lot less than that. So my major gift this year is a gift card for the e-reader. I love reading, and getting the e-reader last year gave me back the joy of reading that the t.b.i. had stolen.
I also celebrate the Winter Solstice. The solstices and the equinoxes are astronomical events. Which makes them practical, not woo-woo or new agey. [I dislike New Age stuff]. I celebrated this weekend with the dog in the woods. We go to the woods almost daily. The dog is older now but she is happy there. Both of us are.
I celebrate the festival of Lights. My Christian friends celebrate the festival of the Light that has come into the world. A Jehovah's Witness friend doesn't celebrate any holidays. Some folks celebrate Chanaukah. Some celebrate Kwanzaa. Some celebrate various combinations of the wintertime holidays. Some celebrate none. Christmas started as a co-opt of the Roman holiday Saturnalia. It was [and is] a common practice for the Holy Roman Church to co-opt pagan holidays, add some Christian, stir, and pour out a new holy day. Thus, although folks have been celebrating various festivals of Light for centuries before what we now know as Christmas, Christmas was derived from the very pagan Saturnalia and grew into its own.
Now we have Santa Clauses. I read that the major company that sells cola products started the American Santa Claus as a way to sell sodas to kids. I haven't done any research on that claim yet. So there I have to say, "I don't know." At any rate, the lawns of houses in the United States seem full of plastic Santas and sleds and snowpeople, wooden reindeer, and flashing lights. The stores promote Christmas shopping. Much to my major annoyance this year, the Christmas shopping season began with Gray Thursday-- the day formerly known as Thanksgiving-- instead of Black Friday. When I look around at all of the commercialism, I figure that Christmas has lost much of its original sacredness. It is easy for me to celebrate life out in the woods on Solstices, Equinoxes, and pretty near every day. Not so easy to get in touch with anything remotely holy on what Christmas has become. This is not entirely the fault of pagans. There are plenty of Christian households that do the presents and the decor also. At any rate, Christmas has now become loud and abrasive. I must prefer the quiet solitude of the woods.
I do not believe there is a war on Christmas. Or, perhaps if there is one, this war is not solely the makings of the godless masses. If I am in a store or out in the community, and someone says "Merry Christmas" to me, they are not saying, "You are a no good secular humanist, atheist, non-theistic bum so go to hell." It's okay for them to say "Merry Christmas" and okay for me to respond in kind. This is my choice. I am an atheist. I get to celebrate everything that I choose to celebrate. If there is a war, let's have a war on commercialism. Forget the war on Christmas. I just don't see it.
[Christmas in public schools is another matter which I will not be addressing in this blog post. The public schools with their renamed winter concerts and no prayer over the loudspeakers and no preaching and stuff like that is an entirely different situation. As an atheist, I don't accept the "blame" for that. There is a law or set of laws that is responsible for secularism in public schools. I believe they are referred to as the Lemon Test: http://russellandduenes.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/public-schools-and-the-lemon-test/
and
http://www.ehow.com/about_5285467_lemon-test-used.html
have some preliminary information on the Lemon Test and explains it far better than I can].
People saying "Happy Holidays" to each other [in non-public school settings...that question of what to say in public schools I have left to the Supreme Court at this moment] feels a bit dishonest to me. I celebrate Christmas and Solstice. I will wish folks either one generally. I don't celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus because that is not Christmas for me. Christmas is a remake of the Festival of Lights and as such is not a threat.
So to those who celebrate Christmas, I say with all sincerity, "Happy Christmas." To everyone else I say, "I hope you had a splendid Solstice/Chanaukah" or "Happy Kwanzaa." Or just a simple, "How are you? I wish you well."
sapphoq on life
